Jerry, you need to find god
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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