My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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