Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
