My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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