Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
