we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
smell my finger.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
