How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
