Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
