My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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