Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am mentally ready for anal.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
