Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
