it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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