he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
