well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
