i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
