I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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