I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
