i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
