Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
