bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
