I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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