I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sorry my hands just texted you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
