youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
