One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
