I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
