he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
