Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
nutella sex= disaster
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
