Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I didn't notice because vodka
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
