1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
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