can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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