My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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