I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
