I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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