My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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