I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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