I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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