ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
