i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
