we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
