We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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