You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Congratulations! We have a period
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
