The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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