I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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