I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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