Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
