I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
