Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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