he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
