The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
