I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
